Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Absense (and Frustration) of Poker

I was on Pokerology again and answered a post there about how people sometimes can feel disinterested or dishearted about playing (the post is here: http://www.pokerology.com/forums/general-poker-discussion/4297-just-dont-feel-like-playing-poker-mo.html). My answer looked more like a blog entry than a forum post and then I realized, "Hey, dumbass, you HAVE a blog. Use it!" So I did. Below is what I wrote. If you don't play poker it might not make as much sense to you as if you did but its here if you wanna read it.

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OK, time to answer. I'm just not sure how to answer.

I've gone thru several swings that I thought would never end. Each time I managed to just work my way through to the other side because I wanted to prove to myself that I could. I still found the game exciting each time I played, especially as I was still getting my feet wet and learning how to play my best. Perhaps the potential of learning some new key point about the game was the major reason I could plod along.

When Black Friday hit, well, that was different. I didn't really want to risk playing that much. I'd occasionally try on UB or Bodog or even Cake and Carbon but by June I'd had given up on playing on a regular basis. I still played in the home game when I could and I'd troll Pokerology too. I read a few more books and kept trying to learn. I still had an interest in the game, I just felt shut out of actually playing.

Now, I'm a little inbetween. I've actually played about 5 or 6 days in a row online, just not for a long time or more than even a single table at a time. Hell, my most common game has a BI of a whopping $0.11! When I play, I just don't really feel like committing a couple of hours to it so I play these super-turbo SNGs mostly (and running horribly, glad I only lose pennies and not dollars, woof).

Some of this also has to do with my personal life. As some of you my know I am in the midst of a move from Orlando to Houston, in fact the movers will be here next week to pack up all our shit and ship it out there where my wife has already been at her new job for four months now. Meanwhile, my son, three cats and myself will finish out the school year in an apartment with about five pieces of less-than-desireable furnishings... the Ritz it will not be. All in all its not the perfect time to be grinding anything online.

Once we all get settled in Houston I'll be needing to find a job. During that time I might just see how the online landscape looks and take a chance at it. I wouldn't be able to make a living, thats for sure. The bankroll I had has either gone back into my life money or is stuck on FTP and UB. Depositing even a fraction of what I had is neither easy or likely very smart, but I might try to find a way to at least get **something** going on Bovada (Bodog), Cake, and Carbon. I may have to take a riskier position as far as BRM goes as well. Who knows, that's at least four months away.

All I do know is I miss playing online they way it used to be. Without having the option of playing on Stars, FTP and UB it just depresses me. I've honestly thought of just giving up on poker since there just didn't seem to be a good reason to play, especially after taking viscious beats in a stupid .11 game over and over again, LOL.

But then something decent seems to happen to bring me back. I won a 24-player-max "MTT" on Cake, which jacked my "bankroll" there by 500%. I still play in the bar games every Wednesday and last night I won a bar tab. I still plan ways that I can use my $70ish "online bankroll" and run it up like I did when I first started with SNGs and micro MTTs. I want to... I just don't know if I want to spend the time since it might end up as a waste of time in the end.

A couple of forum regs have suggested to me the idea of playing live. Sounds like a great idea except for the fact that now just isn't the time. In four months I'll be out of a job and I just don't want to take the risk with any of that money that I might need in reserve. I've played a couple few times and actually have had success in the $35 MTTs on Saturday in Daytona... I think I taked about my 2nd place finish in my blog. Yes, I realize that there is a decent chance I am going to be the best tourney player entered whenever I go (one of the local bar-type poker tours sponsers the gig and those players really do suck). Perhaps I've been spoiled but it seems driving to Daytona and "one-tabling" for 6 hours just doesn't seem like to best way to spend my time.... if I had the time.

I've thought of maybe trying to teach or coach somebody as a way to stay involved but I just don't know if I really can do that. I know some stuff, basic stuff, but I'm still just a student myself. I just wouldn't feel right since I've never been a pro myself. How can I charge anything if I'm not even currently making anything myself? Seems silly to me. Even doing the videos I've done can be a little uncomfortable, which is why I try to make them more entertainment than anything else. I like talking about the thought processes involved and all that, but I also like to think that I can be open to other ideas and opinions about the game. Maybe that is why I like answering in the forums so much, I can see the feedback come in as they get posted. I'd love to talk shop over Skype with some people, peer-to-peer, about hands, situations, general game subjects, whatever, whether it was one-on-one or a huge group. That would help keep me interested to.

Hmm... seems I've strayed from the subject at hand. In the end, yes, I've been frustrated. I've been frustrated by players, by my epic downswings, by Black Friday, by my own life. Still I remain involved with the game to this day. I may not ever get back to where I once was but I still have the PokerTracker file to prove I was there.